Scrapbooking Daddy

As my idol scrapbooker, Nicole, wrote, "documenting life is just as important as taking the time to enjoy life as it comes too...and sometimes that means cutting out the time to get it all down on paper." She's right, I think. What about you? Kin work is necessary in order for relationships, and in this case, memories of those relationships, to be preserved.

Does anyone know a scrapbooking daddy? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Oh wait, I do. Well, I do NOW. We've just gotten started on our book. I don't want to be the only family documenter because these are not only my stories to tell.

My mom was always the scrapbooker in our family. In fact, the very thought of my dad sitting down to "scrapbook" is hilarious. Don't get me wrong, he's the sweetest teddy bear of a dad. He did give me a taste of what it might have been like if he did scrapbook. He wrote in the front cover of a couple of books he gave me. He'd describe what the context was, why he wanted to give it to me, and so on. Cuteness. I think it'd be cool to have even more written memories of me from my dad. Because everyone loves hearing (or reading) stories about when they were kids. Don't they? No?

Great. I'm the only narcissist.

Oh, well.

So the other night, as mentioned previously, we sat down to watch a show and each wrote down a memory.

So, doing our scrapbook is something we both have to grit our teeth and force ourselves to do. It's not something we look forward to doing. Does everyone feel that way? Although I'm hoping that changes once we get rolling. Actually, in full disclosure, I was the instigator (anyone surprised?). I had to bring everything downstairs and say, "okay, we need to work on our book now." He didn't argue, although it was clear that after working an 11 hour shift at the hospital, he wasn't exactly thrilled about our next task. However, my argument is always this: I worked 11 hours, too, taking care of the kiddo. Those of you who are childless, carry on with your judgment until you have a kid of your own. THEY ARE EXHAUSTING. It's extremely fulfilling, but oh-so-grueling, too. Some days more than others.

I think we both will agree, the coolest part of the kit is that it comes with a date stamper. I've always wanted one of these, for no reason in particular, other than its awesomeness.



Our son has started singing a Raffi song called "bath time." And Brent said, "did you already write about him singing that song?" I said, "nope." And he said, "I call writing that one!" As if it were a contest of who would write the best memories down. And he wrote that story and we were done for the night. Baby steps, people. I'll take it.

Now we need to become more regular about it.

Sharing Kin Work Project: Scrapbooking

I am not, nor have I ever been, a master scrapbooker. You know the type? They have an embellishment for everything! A former co-worker of mine, for example, makes the most lovely layouts. I've been following her blog for a long time, far before I became a mother, and I always wondered if I would ever be able to document my kid's life with such attentiveness. Turns out, I can't.

From following Nicole's blog, I also learned about Project Life.



And this kit is what we're trying to use to document our son's life. We got our kit in February, and still have yet to print a picture to put in it. Actually, we haven't printed a single picture of our son yet. He's almost 18 months old. Now you know who you're dealing with, right?



I liked this system because you can journal on little cards and take them with you anywhere. So, the other night we sat in front of the tv and jotted down a memory or two while watching an episode of True Blood (have you seen that show, btw? It's crazy). Then we can pick photos to go along with the memories later. Or vice versa.

So how's it working out for us? That's for tomorrow's post!

Sharing the Third Shift

This is us. My little family. And I reign as its kin work rebel. We've been bringing disappointment to our families since we started dating in 2001! Hoping to receive a birthday card from us? It'll be in your mailbox 14+ business days after you really wanted it. So late that you'll be embarrassed for us that we even sent it. We wanted to send it on time, but forgot. It's not you, family. It's us. Or, more accurately, it's me. It's been me.

This is how it usually works, people. A heterosexual couple gets married. Woman takes on the responsibility of organizing, negotiating, planning, and preparing all familyness. Man never has to think about it. Kids grow up observing traditional roles. Yada, yada, yada.

Not I, said the fly. Managing relationships is not only women's work. And I refuse to do it all myself. Therefore, I present you with our newest project: Sharing the Third Shift. We're going to try to do as much kin work as possible together.

Rules will be established.
Rules will be likely be broken.
Fights will probably be had.
But learning will ensue for all.

Why would a person suck at sending cards and stuff? Why is she not maternal enough to just do it, for crying out loud? "It's not that hard," you might be saying.

Things my seemingly anti-kin work attitude is NOT:

1. An expression of my hatred towards my family. Or people in general. Or holidays.

I actually love my family and my husband's family a whole lot! If you've met me you know I l o v e people. I just want my son growing up in an environment in which his mom AND dad can be seen as both reasonable and rational (traditionally paternal) as well as nurturing and family-oriented (traditionally maternal). And I want to live in a world where dads are equally as engaged in what's cooking (both literally and figuratively) for family gatherings. Before, during, and after they occur. I want men to understand how laborious this process is, and why it might contribute to women's subordination in our society.

Just to remind you, I LOVE holidays! Why else would I want to improve them? I just don't like the inequality they represent, particularly in the preparation.

2. Indicative of laziness

I'm not doing this because I'm lazy and want someone else to do it for me. (Forgetful? Yes. And that absolutely contributes to my struggles as a kin worker, btw.) From my point of view, the lazy thing to do would be to continue the cycle. It'd be much easier. I'd tell my husband who, what, where, when, how, and why, but then change would never occur. Yawn. That's lazy.

Also, in all honesty, multi-tasking has never been my cup of tea. Do you see the problem? Kin work=multi-tasking. And because I'm a woman, I'm supposed to be good at that. Ha.

We're determined to conduct kin work as a couple. And I'll be documenting some of it on this very blog.

Motherhood

I was reading my friend, Emily's, blog and was so relieved. Emily and I both have sons who are only nine days apart in age, so I can relate to her wholeheartedly on many levels. We're living parallel lives from different parts of the country!

Check out Emily's blog:
http://bonafidebites.wordpress.com/2011/07/02/235/

In the linked post, Emily describes how the transition to full-time, at home motherhood was challenging. I can definitely relate. Being an almost-stay-at-home mom (I teach part-time), at first, everything seemed so much harder. Everything. From showering to brushing my teeth to eating to cleaning to everything under the sun. And it's true, all of these things are harder having a little one around. Things have gotten much easier. Partially because of his age, I think. But I have started seeing this difficulty more as an honor. I'm fortunate to be a mother, I love being a mother, and I love, love, love my son. Yes, he makes things harder. But he also makes many things more fun and more fulfilling. Take the good with the hard, right?

What does this all mean for kin work and the third shift? To be determined.

P.S. Emily, how are you getting all your chores done in 15 minutes? Can you teach me?

Comparing Quotes Part 2

Thanks to Meredith and Maura for their guesses! I'll now reveal the actual years in which these statements were made.

1912
1. It is women who sigh [at the approach of Christmas]; so far as men are concerned, Christmas is safe enough with them; they don’t sigh because they dread the weeks before the 25th of December. Nor do the young people of our sex groan over the approach of the “merry” day; to them the seven weeks mean only the pleasant hurry of anticipation. It is feminine middle age that sighs when it sees November slip into December . . . Does this seem an exaggeration? Ask a dozen women, whose ages range anywhere between thirty and sixty…How many of them can truly say they never lie awake at night and think about Christmas?


2009
2. The stressful part around this is all this sort of thoughtful preparation that goes into it, and I am a lone ranger for us representing our own family. What’s going to be the most thoughtful, homemade, self-created, artistic gift this year? And he [her husband] doesn’t know about it until someone opens it that day. He’ll say, “who is that from?” “You!” and I’ve taken on that role but it’s still stressful. Like gifts for his co-workers. For his boss? It’ll get down to it and he’ll be like… “ohhh…I really should do something.” He doesn’t really think or know that he wants to get them something. And I’ll be like, “um…here. I’ve been making these for months.”

Nearly 100 years span these two quotes, yet their sentiments remain the same. What do you make of this?

Comparing Quotes Part 1

Alright, readers. Let's play a game. Guess the year in which these statements were made. Hint: They're from different years. Very different. Come on, y'all. Leave a comment with your guesses! I won't bite.



1. It is women who sigh [at the approach of Christmas]; so far as men are concerned, Christmas is safe enough with them; they don’t sigh because they dread the weeks before the 25th of December. Nor do the young people of our sex groan over the approach of the “merry” day; to them the seven weeks mean only the pleasant hurry of anticipation. It is feminine middle age that sighs when it sees November slip into December . . . Does this seem an exaggeration? Ask a dozen women, whose ages range anywhere between thirty and sixty…How many of them can truly say they never lie awake at night and think about Christmas?



2. The stressful part around this is all this sort of thoughtful preparation that goes into it, and I am a lone ranger for us representing our own family. What’s going to be the most thoughtful, homemade, self-created, artistic gift this year? And he [her husband] doesn’t know about it until someone opens it that day. He’ll say, “who is that from?” “You!” and I’ve taken on that role but it’s still stressful. Like gifts for his co-workers. For his boss? It’ll get down to it and he’ll be like… “ohhh…I really should do something.” He doesn’t really think or know that he wants to get them something. And I’ll be like, “um…here. I’ve been making these for months.”

The Importance of Family Rituals

Fact: Rituals are valuable for families.

What's that you say? You want a list of their benefits? I thought you'd never ask.

Rituals serve to:

1. Create and maintain intergenerational bonds (Schvaneveldt & Lee, 1983)
2. Pass on family attitudes, values, and beliefs (Braithwaite, Baxter, & Harper, 1998)
3. Prevent families from negative addictions such alcoholism (Wolin, Bennett, Noonan, & Teitelbaum, 1980)
4. Offer members a feeling of belongingness (Wolin et al., 1980)
5. Provide a means for maintaining family contact (Meredith, 1985)
6. Promote physical health, especially in children (Compan et al., 2002; Kiser, Bennett, Heston, & Paavola, 2005)
7. Combat the stress-induced side-effects of asthma in children (Markson & Fiese, 2000)
8. Encourage children to form positive relationships as adults (Homer, Freeman, Zabriskie, & Eggett, 2007)

Family members also tend to enjoy hanging out together during rituals. They laugh, create memories, and relive the past while also securing a future together. But the problem both researchers and our culture have is that we've focused primarily on the OUTCOMES of family rituals. In doing so, the preparation and thought that goes into them before, during, and after is seemingly invisible and silent.

Research has shown that women are more likely than men to see themselves carrying family-of-origin rituals into their own future families (shocking, I know!). The strongest indicator of whether or not an individual would carry a family ritual into their future families was how much their same-sex parent had taken responsibility for initiating rituals (Friedman & Weissbrod, 2004). Dads, are you reading? Your boys don't see you doing much kin work and therefore don't recognize it as something they should do.

The family is the first group a child is a part of, and is where they learn the majority of their lessons about how to conduct social life. When families teach their members that women should be responsible for ritual and domestic kin work, where will anyone learn otherwise? And when?

The ritual cycle of inequity begins and continues in the family. You know what that means, right?

It's the only place where change might occur, too.

Christmas in July? Why?

Just for fun, let me take a stab at some FAQs before they even have a chance at becoming FAQs. We shall see how good I am at reading minds and telling the future.

1. Why would you waste your time writing about this? And who died and made you the Christmas Queen?

I am honored that you think of me as the Christmas Queen, but I assure you, I am not. I have my Ph.D. in communication. I have conducted many interviews and read countless articles about this issue. I absolutely adore teaching undergrads and writing scholarly articles, both of which typically go along with the degree. But I have always been passionate about extending what we teach and learn about in the classroom to people who might not otherwise connect with such material. Blogging seems like the perfect solution.

2. How did you come up with this idea?

One mother I interviewed said, “We [mothers] rack our brains all year to make it special.” Another said, “I just always want to make it so special so that they will always want to come home. I may not tell them [her family] that, but I definitely have that on my mind.” I heard that statement over and over and over again in my interviews. Mothers feel the need to make things special for their families so they will WANT TO COME HOME. This indicates that mothers do not feel worthy enough that their children will simply want to spend time with them. They feel that they need to do this in order to gain time with and affection from their families. Therefore, mothers are in the business of "specialness" and creating memories for their families. Why, though, do our moms feel it is their responsibility to CREATE positive memories for their children? Exactly the question I seek to answer on this blog.

3. Why are you picking on the most wonderful time of the year? It's just trying to be joyful.

Because it is the most idealized time of the year. And, essentially, it's like every day kin work, but magnified. It's magnified because the whole family holds the expectation that it will be the best day of their year. I also started to see the women around me struggle to get everything done. They were excited to see their families, but anxious about getting there. I realized there is a real need to understand the pressures of motherhood, particularly as it relates to kin work. I'm trying to make the holiday more joyful for moms, too.

4. Why do you hate Christmas?

I don't hate Christmas! I love it! It is out of sheer love for the holiday that I am choosing to write this blog. Fine, I occasionally say "bah humbug." But only when I feel the stress myself. How often is that? I won't reveal.

5. Isn't this a privileged problem? I think I saw a joke about this on "Things White People Like."

Yes and no. Are starving families worried about Christmas pressures? Nah, probably not. But that doesn't mean this isn't an issue worth exploring. In 2008, 81% of Americans identified themselves as Christians, and 93% of Americans celebrate Christmas (Gallup, 2008). In 2009, the census bureau revealed 307,006,550 people living in the United States. And do you know any one of those people who do not belong to a family? Me either. Additionally, women's roles in kin work haunts women from all classes (di Leonardo, 1987).

6. Can't you just be happy with all the progress women have made?

Women's roles in kin work bleeds into so many other issues. On a broad level, it reveals how we as a culture still treat and view women. Yes, women can now VOTE, work outside the home, play sports, and the list goes on! Huge progress has clearly been made. I celebrate these accomplishments every day. I am thankful for the many women who fought for all those rights. This blog is not meant to communicate that women still have nothing, can do nothing, and are nothing according to society. I simply hope to shed light on issues that have not yet been explored. Many things have changed, but in the realm of kin work, it's mostly remained the same.

Stay tuned for more.

The Third Shift

Christmas is hard work. I mean, eating all that delicious food is a big job. And all that merriment? It can really tire a person out.

Linda, a mother I interviewed, claims, “To me, Christmas is a bother;” unabashedly honest, she explains further, “But when it gets to be Halloween, I start thinking about it. And I dread it every year.”

Christmas is hard work. For women.

It won't shock most moms when they hear that women work in and out of the home an average of fifteen hours more than men each week. To put that in perspective, that's an extra month of 24 hour days a year, folks. Back in the 1980s, researcher Arlie Hochschild named all the extra work moms do on top of their regular work day the "Second Shift." It's the laundry, making dinner, organizing the kids' lunches, cleaning, and oh-so-much more. This is not to say men are completely unengaged with the daily chores involved in running a home, however. In fact, compared to generations gone by, men are much more involved in all these processes than they were.

Yes, the second shift still sucks. But I think we have missed a major piece in the discussion of gender and families. Ladies and gents, I present you with...

THE THIRD SHIFT

The third shift is comprised of what researchers call kin work. Kin work includes all tasks involved in maintaining relationships. It's the work related to forming and sustaining family rituals, such as Christmas or 4th of July celebrations. It's the correspondence such as phone calls, invitations, and thank you cards. It's documenting the moments by taking photos and scrapbooking. It's not only purchasing gifts for family members, but also brainstorming the perfect idea and then finding the right price. It's pretty much the who, what, when, where, how, and why of family connections and gatherings, both small and large. It's also the details of "Be sure you use dairy free butter in the pie crust because of cousin Laura's allergy." It's remembering birthdays and other days of significance for family and friends and then sending a card from the "whole family," even though George has no clue it's his nephew's birthday.

In its current form, kin work is quite dangerous because it is conducted so mindlessly. It is so engrained in our culture that women are hardly aware that they're doing it. Two large issues are presented with women's roles in kin work:

1. Our culture doesn't perceive kin work as work.

Women are still paid less than men, which can be attributed to several reasons, kin work being one of them. Part of the problem is that sending cards and gifts, talking to (or negotiating with) family members, and planning meals appears to be fun. And because family functions are (usually/hopefully) fun, why wouldn't all the planning be enjoyable as well? Or at least more fun than scrubbing the floors and toilets. Is it? Most people probably think so. I know I do. But it's still a form of work. It requires mental capacity and time that, if shared with men, might allow women to get ahead in their jobs (if they so desire). Or at least might narrow the "leisure gap" between men and women, in which men are proven to have much more relaxation time on weekends and after paid labor than women do.

2. Men don't do it. Because they don't know they don't do it. Because women don't know they're doing it.

Even more than household chores, kin work is done primarily by women. Unlike vacuuming and dusting, kin work is almost impossible to hire someone to do, because it involves a relational intelligence, history, and investment. This is also why it is so difficult to involve men in kin work. But it's also why it's so important. In order for any change to occur, men will need to get involved! And women will have to stand a bit of chaos for awhile, while disrupting the already well-oiled machine that is kin work.

It's not just about Christmas. Kin work happens every day of every year, and women don't love all aspects of it. This blog will explore kin work through sharing women's stories and connecting them to scholarship. Join me!